April showers

The crazy tornado weather has begun. Yesterday was a day I spent glued to the TV listening for the latest weather updates. Are we under tornado warning? Is there one on the ground? Yep, how far? Ugh. Hate it. Sadly, many homes in the Arlington, Lancaster area were damaged including Dallas.

I was worried, but not Nicholas. He took a nap through all of the nail biting suspense. Woke up right at the end of the storm and couldn't understand why Momma had moved his bed to the bathroom.

I feel like April is bringing more than just bad weather though. I know I sound like a crazy baby lady right now, but I can't help it. It's what my world consists of at the moment. Not only that but April 12 would have been my due date. I know what you're thinking, "You can't think like that, Angela.' 'Let it go.' 'It will happen when it's supposed to happen." Yadayadaya. Shut it.

When a nurse gets you all excited and tells you that your baby is due April 12, 2012, you can't help but to get excited much less forget the date. And what's worse is the other women who became pregnant around the same time who will be giving birth to their babies next week. Or the new women in your life who just found out that they are pregnant. Or the dinner event you have to go to on that date which causes you to circle it on the calendar. They are all reminders of how much it sucks.

Yes, I will be fine. I have a God who knew that my April baby would not make it in this world. A God who spared me from a ridiculous amount of pain I would have felt if I had to carry that baby any further only to let him/her go later. I have a God who is merciful and loving. A God that loves me so much yet still accepts me for being a crazy baby lady. A God that will bless me someday again.

Only way I can put it for the people who have yet to go through this is that it's like a break-up. You'll never forget the date or the person. You'll always have a heart for them and something as simple as a song playing on the radio will remind you of them. And just like when someone announces that they're getting engaged, you're happy for them but deep down you wish it was you making that announcement. It's a process. A slow one and only time and God can heal it.

And that's what I'm doing. I'm healing still. So just bare with me and let me be a crazy baby lady. At least through April 12.