Christmas is in full effect!

So after coming to peace with many things, I have been completely enjoying the holidays. They truly are my favorite time of the year!

Tree is up, outside lights are hung, presents are bought (not all but most), I've seen Charlie Brown's Christmas and operation stuff your face has commenced. Yep, it's Christmas time!

With all of the fun stuff though comes the yuck...cold season. Poor little guy woke up with a cold on Sunday, and it's still lingering around. Hoping that he's doing better though and will knock this thing out in the next day or two.

In the meantime we've been singing Christmas songs, making snowmen and Santas and snuggling on the couch with cozy blankets. I know this sounds just like the movie Elf, but believe me, it's true.

On top of all that though, my brother is coming home for Christmas! And for good! I cannot wait to see him! And I cannot wait to see Christmas lights with him and Mandy. (She doesn't know it yet, but who are we kidding? Lights, fun people, hot chocolate - who can say no to that?)

Well while the little man is a sleep, I'm going to partake in some online Christmas shopping. 30% off at Gap, Old Navy and Banana Republic...you can thank me later.

'Oh by golly, it's a holly jolly Christmas indeed!'

Fall decorations

Who knew that putting out my fall decorations would have made me sad? I am such a HUGE holiday person, and I love decorating for the major holidays, but yesterday it reminded me that fall is here and my baby is not. 

I hate when I have days like that because I try to count my blessings and focus on what I have rather than what I don't, but I just couldn't help it yesterday.

I miss my baby. I miss all of them.

Some days are harder than others

Today is a rough day. I feel sad, lonely and also upset with myself for feeling this way. I'm even mad at myself for wanting to take down Nicholas' baby pictures. Even the Willow Tree angels I once adorned annoy me. That's the kind of weird mood I'm in.

It's a bit frustrating. I want to change things and move forward while the other part of me just wants to slip back into the past and pick out girl names. I am stuck.

I deleted my Facebook account yesterday because I'm sick of it. I'm tired of not being able to post my true thoughts and feelings. Tired of hiding behind that picture where people think everything is hunky-doory.

Don't get me wrong, my marriage is better than ever. I have a beautiful baby, amazing family and wonderful friends. I know that...it's just this thing that my heart still cannot fathom. I am happy every single day, yet I am sad every single day. Does that even make sense? Still doesn't to me, but when I say I'm stuck, that's exactly what I mean. Stuck between happy and sad. The past and the future all while trying to "enjoy" the present.

Maybe these quotes can explain better than I can...

Closure is just around the corner

I found out that my husband is just not ready to share with the world everything we're dealing with. And when I say world, I mean no one so out of respect to him, I deleted my last post. We're not sure what's in store for our future, but I do know what we have now is great so I plan on focusing on that.

I will say that I found out we lost a girl. That was heartbreaking, but also a sense of relief to validate my crazy thoughts. I KNEW it was a girl. I wrote her a letter the day we found out that we lost the baby. I finally showed it to Andrew last week. It's sad, but it's what I was feeling and I meant every word of it. Still do.

I always want to remember her and how precious she was to me...so here it is.

Dear Eliana,

I thought I would hold you in my arms this year. I thought you would be my Christmas joy, and while you were for awhile, I am sad that I'll never get to hold you. I know you're in good hands, the best in fact, and you have many loving arms waiting for you in Heaven as I'm sure you already know.

I love you so much and await the day when I can hold you myself. You mean so much to me. Thank you for choosing me as your mommy.

Beautiful, sweet baby, I'll never forget you. I love you always.

Love, Momma

Babies are a beautiful thing, and they change you forever. Even the ones you don't meet. Well, maybe not in this world. The thought of meeting her someday along with the other two babies I've lost gives me hope.

Healing is a process, a long one in fact, but it's healing. I'm healing, and I thank God for that.

Rest in peace, Jerry

I found out yesterday that one of my high school classmate's passed away on Saturday. Not sure of the details, but I couldn't help but to become sad. He's only 27. He was 27. My age.

We're not supposed to go at this age. We have much to see and live out.

This is the second person from my high school class that just makes my heart sad. First, Amy Gutierrez "Little Amy" and now Jerry. I will always remember that Amy's birthday was on my anniversary, June 2. And sadly, I will always remember Jerry on my best friend's birthday, July 21.

I was especially close to Amy growing up. We had sleep-overs starting in the second grade and kept in contact with each other until the day we graduated. Actually, even after that thanks to Myspace and her brother who I always saw at HEB every time I went home. Still do. And every time I see him, I hug him and even though we never say it, we're reminded of Amy each time we do.

Jerry was a friend from high school who sang and laughed and always carried around his guitar. He made me and the rest of our school smile. He always had a smile on his face and could care less what people thought about him. In being so carefree and loving, we thought nothing but great things about him.

I remember talking on the phone and him singing me songs, chatting on AOL (yep, makes me laugh now) and giving him rides home. Well him and his guitar.

Sweet, kind Jerry, you will be missed.

Rest in peace.

What a week!

Well the kids came and went. We went to the library, Main Event, Putt-Putt Golf & Games, swimming, to church, a splash pad, a park, a bridal shower and to eat. And eat and eat and eat. It was a great week & they played with Nicholas until he was ready to crash out each night. My niece and nephew are absolutely wonderful with their little cousin and because of that I adore them so much more than they know.

Here's a few pictures from the past week -

Haircut time! Can you tell he's a fan?

Bowling at Main Event

Legos with cousin

Awesome chicken shredded nachos that I made.

Makes me hungry just looking at those delicious things!

Fun times at Putt-Putt

Go-Kart ride afterwards! We had a blast & I kept it under a 100 mph.

Gotta put on sunscreen before you go swimming!

Apparently you need to get your eyebrows as well.

Such a fun week! Loved it.

A few quotes that I enjoy...

Definitely an addict now

Yesterday I ran my first 5K (3.1 m) since high school and while my time wasn't the best, I absolutely loved it. I cannot wait to run another race! Who would have thought I, of all people, would be saying that? Not me.

To get myself in shape for the half-marathon in November (which I already registered for so I have to do it), I would like to run a 10K (6.2 m) next month. Hoping someone will do it with me. More fun with others.

It was also great to wear my Trek t-shirt and have people notice it. I hope that by wearing it, someone will learn how awesome of a little boy he was and feel touched to know his story. Here are a couple of pics from the race.

Side note: I have 3 kiddos this week (my niece & nephew are visiting) so I may not be writing as much. Hoping to get out and plan a fun week for them!

The sacred title

I had a conversation last week about the sacred title known as "best friend" aka "bestie" aka "mejor amiga". The conversation went a little like this...

Her: She called me her best friend! I don't know what to do. "J" is my best friend. I feel like that title is special.

Me: I agree.

Her: Do you have more than one best friend?

Me: No, just Mandy...well...

And from there my mind began to think. Mandy is my numero uno, the bacon to my bacon & egg taco (yes, I just said that - I'm hungry), the one who my Dad refers to as my twin or comadre. She's it. She's my best friend. She's always held that title.

And then I started to think about El Stacie. (Yep, that's her real name) Her and I have gotten really close in the last 4 years. She's the one who brought me to the church I love, we knew each other before we entered motherhood and also kept each other sane through all of it. If I am sick, she brings me soup and Gatorade. She really does.

I can depend on her, share my secrets with her and laugh with her like a best friend would.

So I guess it is possible to have more than one best friend. No one will ever replace Mandy. We've been through too dang much. Things no one will ever understand or ever learn about. (Well, maybe if I piss her off.) Bottom line though, she's always going to be my best friend. And so will Stacie.

Guess there's just more bacon for me...and that's never a bad thing.

ATM update

Well I'm pretty pumped about how ATM went. I had been praying for my niece but ironically, my nephew is the one who really enjoyed the message. He even wanted to spend the night so he could go back the next day again. Instead they're coming to visit again this weekend! Here's a couple of pictures from this weekend.

 David is riding on the motorcycle because Nicholas wanted no part of it.

It meant he was that much closer to the Lorax and he was NOT ok with that!

Overall, it was a good day. We went to Fuddruckers afterward, and I ate a wonderfully cheesy burger with fries. Yep, not something I should have eaten. I definitely paid for it the next day when I went for my run. Was worth it though. Every cheesy bite!

After that we played some Wii and Nicholas definitely entertained everyone with his killer Michael Jackson moves. I swear, the boy can dance. Right now he's obsessed with "Smooth Criminal" and I love it! Oh and don't worry, I'm definitely taking videos of it so I can use it as black mail when he becomes a teenager. 

AT THE MOVIES

Today begins At the Movies, and I'm so so excited! This is a BIG time in our church where many people that don't know Christ will walk through our church doors and have their lives transformed as they hear about Jesus in a way they've never heard before. I think when you have seen it impact people the way that it does, you'd be just as excited as me. And not just adults, I've seen kids so excited and changed after hearing these messages about God. That is what really gets me. It's just amazing.

 Andrew & I prayed last night that lives will be transformed through these messages, and I strongly believe that they will.

My sister-in-law and her family are coming today to be apart of the opening day. I pray and hope that today's message impacts especially my 13 year-old niece. She's getting older and is officially a teenager this year. (Not sure how that happened. She was a tiny, innocent little 5 year-old when I met her.) She's being exposed to so much out there in the world, and hopefully this will resonate with her in a way that will help her tackle any peer pressures she may face this year.

I'll make sure to take some pics while I'm there. This year's theme for our decorations is, "The Lorax". Truffla trees everywhere!

Busy bee

I haven't posted in a few days because I've actually been busy. Not busy as in stress from work kind of busy, but just keeping myself occupied busy.

For Fourth of July, I actually woke up and hit the track. It was my toughest run so far, but I did it and am ready to do it again today. After that I came back home and made the family breakfast. Later on we went to my sister's house and enjoyed some great food, company & swimming. Nicholas LOVED the water this year which made for an even better time. We didn't stay for fireworks because little man wore himself out, plus everything is "loud" right now and we weren't sure how he'd react to the fireworks.

Potty training is complete. No more diapers! Pretty darn excited about that. I'm proud of my little guy!

Maybe because I haven't been changing diapers, I've been able to get more things done around the house? lol Yesterday, I did laundry, swept and mopped the floors, cleaned the bathrooms from top to bottom, and even cut and weed-eated the grass. I even cooked dinner and cleaned up.

Ok, I know I am tooting my own horn, but really...I'm pretty darn impressed. I don't have very many of these days so let me indulge for just a sec.

I think the next few days I'm going to work on getting my collage together on that large wall in the living room. It's still pretty bare and it's driving me crazy. Here are some ideas I have. Thoughts?

"Chalk-o-lit cake"

Is pretty sure I've gone to the 'potty' about 20 times today, and only a few of those times were for me. Yep, it's potty training time in this house. And I have to say, the boy is getting it. I've even ventured out to stores, a train ride, the mall and a restaurant. Through all of that, only 1 accident in public and it was outside as we got off the train. All in all, it's going well, and I couldn't be prouder of my BIG little boy! He's so good.

So good that I opted for shakes tonight instead of going running. Bad move, I know, but hearing him say, "chalk-o-lit cake, momma" made it all worth it. Instead I'm going to suck it up and get up early in the morning and run before church. Just two weeks until my 5K!

I got my Trek shirt in the mail a few days ago, and I can't wait to wear it for Trek as I run my 5K. I'm running the race for my baby but am wearing that shirt proudly for Trek. Also, tonight I found out that I got an email from the Ingram family thanking me and asking me to take a picture of myself in Trek's shirt as I run my 5K. You can bet you I will! I actually think it would be neat to wear his shirt for all of my races. Losing babies you've never met is one thing. And believe me, it's hard, but losing a baby that you held in your arms for 14 months has to be devestating.

My babies will never run a 5K and neither will Trek, but I feel like through others, they can do anything and their memory will live on.

Rest in peace angel babies, and rest in peace Trek.

At least they get it.

Recieved some not so great news today regarding the baby. Something was wrong. It wasn't just something that naturally happened. Yes, I'm glad there's an answer but it's not something that I can fix and that's what scares me. I told several people who are close to me in one way or another, but the only ones who truly got the severity of my news (besides my husband) were my 2 best friends. They not only got it, but they got it immediately.

So thankful for them. On to more tests now and with support like theirs, I know I'm going to get through all of this in one piece.

"Worry about nothing, pray about everything." - Craig Groschel

I'm working on it...

STRIKE IS OVER!

YESSSSS! The Lockheed strike is over & I couldn't be more excited! Andrew will finally be able to enjoy dinner with us and have a weekend off. More importantly, we'll get to go see family. Especially my mom who is sick and needs support right now. So so excited!

Great motivation for my run tonight. But right now I have a very unhappy 2 year-old who just woke up from his nap. Hoping I'll be able to coax him into going to the grocery store with me. Yeah, wish me luck.

Lots of luck...

New perspectives

So no more babies. Not for awhile at least. My last pregnancy nearly ripped my heart out. Getting so excited about a baby only to have them taken away is one of the hardest things I've experienced. The only thing that could make that worse is having to do it 3 times. So yeah, I'm done for awhile.

Since April so much has happened. Brother graduated from college and I'm so proud of him. Relay for Life came and went. The strike is still going on but hopefully it's coming to an end. Mom is sick and while it's scary, I know God will take care of it. Baby Trek said goodbye just a few days ago. And as I type this, I realize it's been 5 years since I've said goodbye to my grandma.

Goodness, 2012 feels so full of gloom and doom. And as hard as it is, I'm trying to bag up all these emotions and make the next 6 months of the year better ones. Instead of dwelling about my angel babies, I plan to honor them as I embark on a new journey of running.Yep, running. I want to run a race for each of them this year. And not just any race. A 5K, 10K, 15K and in November, a half-marathon for all of them & Nicholas. I think it's a great way to honor them while also helping me cope and move forward in a healthy way. Plus, running helps me to clear my mind and just talk to God. I know I'll be doing a lot of it, which I need.

My first 5K is next month, July 15 and I'm nervous yet excited. Goodness, July 15 is just a few weeks away. Ahhhh! This should be interesting...

April showers

The crazy tornado weather has begun. Yesterday was a day I spent glued to the TV listening for the latest weather updates. Are we under tornado warning? Is there one on the ground? Yep, how far? Ugh. Hate it. Sadly, many homes in the Arlington, Lancaster area were damaged including Dallas.

I was worried, but not Nicholas. He took a nap through all of the nail biting suspense. Woke up right at the end of the storm and couldn't understand why Momma had moved his bed to the bathroom.

I feel like April is bringing more than just bad weather though. I know I sound like a crazy baby lady right now, but I can't help it. It's what my world consists of at the moment. Not only that but April 12 would have been my due date. I know what you're thinking, "You can't think like that, Angela.' 'Let it go.' 'It will happen when it's supposed to happen." Yadayadaya. Shut it.

When a nurse gets you all excited and tells you that your baby is due April 12, 2012, you can't help but to get excited much less forget the date. And what's worse is the other women who became pregnant around the same time who will be giving birth to their babies next week. Or the new women in your life who just found out that they are pregnant. Or the dinner event you have to go to on that date which causes you to circle it on the calendar. They are all reminders of how much it sucks.

Yes, I will be fine. I have a God who knew that my April baby would not make it in this world. A God who spared me from a ridiculous amount of pain I would have felt if I had to carry that baby any further only to let him/her go later. I have a God who is merciful and loving. A God that loves me so much yet still accepts me for being a crazy baby lady. A God that will bless me someday again.

Only way I can put it for the people who have yet to go through this is that it's like a break-up. You'll never forget the date or the person. You'll always have a heart for them and something as simple as a song playing on the radio will remind you of them. And just like when someone announces that they're getting engaged, you're happy for them but deep down you wish it was you making that announcement. It's a process. A slow one and only time and God can heal it.

And that's what I'm doing. I'm healing still. So just bare with me and let me be a crazy baby lady. At least through April 12.

What a day.

Without getting into it, I'm at a crossroads with moving forward and leaving the past behind.

Forgive and forget. Move on. It's for the best. Turn the other cheek. Be the bigger person. Take the next step. Let it go...

All phrases I've heard before that I hope I've never said out loud to someone. Although, I'm sure I have.

Ugh. Time for bed. Enough thinking.

Goodnight!

(Ps. This has nothing to do with my marriage or my wonderful husband!)

What everyone wants to know...

'When are you having another?"

It seems like I hear that question ALL the time. And every time I hear that question I cringe. I never thought I would feel like that but it's the truth. I have to politely say, "ohh, maybe someday."

But inside I just want to scream! I want to yell, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT'S BEEN TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY! You have no idea that I thought I was having another baby. Twice! Only to be let down."

And it's not their fault. I know that. They have no idea, but they also don't know how much it hurts to want that so bad. It's just a sensitive topic for me.

Yes, I know that I am fortunate to have one baby. I know couples that struggle and are not able to have any. Believe me, I am thankful for Nicholas beyond words, and if he is the only child I ever have, I will continue to thank God every day. His is a beautiful, healthy, wonderful blessing. No doubt about that.

But that's the problem. When you have one and realize how incredibly wonderful they are, you want another. Who wouldn't? And that's where I'm at. Stuck between 'absolutely grateful' and 'hoping for another blessing'.

Just hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' and wishin'...

11 months left

Seriously, where has the time gone? Nicholas will be 2 in about 2 weeks, and I'm in shock. My precious baby is now a 33 lb. kiddo running all over the place, destructing anything that gets in his path. He is a beautiful, sweet, sensitive, laughing, smiling, curious boy who I thank God for every single day. When I look at him, I wonder how people could ever doubt that there's a God.

He loves trucks and airplanes and trains (or as he calls them "choo-choos") and his absolute favorite word to say right now is "momma". Even cuter when he says "tank you, momma." Oh, I could just eat him up.

I'm bragging and bragging about my kiddo because I'm realizing just how fortunate this time with him is. I always knew how precious he was, but now I really feel it. I told you earlier in a post about Baby T who is dying, and I still cannot get him off my mind. His mother writes a blog and I have been following it since January 1, the day she found out her son has a rare degenerative disease, and EVERY time I read it, I cry. So much in fact that I only read it when I'm alone. If you don't believe me, I've included a few excerpts from her latest posts:

"I can literally feel my heart breaking and it is unbearable. I saw a mom and dad at lunch yesterday with their teenage son and it made me so sad.

I want to take Trek out to lunch and see how handsome he would be as a teenager. I want to talk to him about his girlfriend and I want him to break his curfew and listen to loud music and have big feet and hands. I want him to grow taller than me.

--

He is so beautiful and perfect, I want so bad to keep him. I whisper to him all the time to please don’t leave me, I want to die thinking about it.

--

Oh my sweet Trek, I wish you a life full of peace and love, free of pain and suffering, I wish every good thing in the world for you, you deserve that and so much more."

It breaks my heart every time.

So as you can see, I am truly feeling how precious Nicholas is. I am constantly reminded, and I feel the need to pass it on. I don't mean to leave this on a sad note, but as of tomorrow January will have come and gone. Did you make it count? There's only 11 months left in this year. 11 months that Trek may not have...

Two years later

2011 has come and gone and not a single post by me. Instead I've been soaking up all my time with this precious little boy, and after what I heard today, it's exactly what I should be doing.

How do you cope knowing that your child is dying? With only 9 months to live? I realized today that they will never get to plan their child's 2nd birthday party, as I'm doing. Instead they will be planning a funeral. How do you deal with that? No parent should have to.

I don't even know this couple personally, but after hearing what they're going through, I can't get them of my mind. I can't get their son off my mind. I want to hug him and her and just pray for them. I don't know why these types of things happen, but dammit it's just not fair.

Knowing this now, I hope you'll hug your child, niece, nephew, grandson, husband, wife, mother or friend a little tighter tonight. I know I will. And I vow to make 2012 a little bit more carefree and fun in light of "T".

Actually as I type, Nicholas has pulled all the straws out of the drawer and they are scattered all over the kitchen floor. Normally I'd twitch a little at the sight of this mess but today I'm going to let him empty the whole box. I can get more. They're just straws. The fact that I'm laughing at him and letting him play carelessly on the floor in a pile of straws has made his day.

Here's to a new year, making the most of our time and making as many piles of straws as possible. xoxo