Gearing up again

Another procedure ahead this week. Crazy thing is that it's starting to feel normal. I have gotten so used to things over the past few weeks that saying that I have to go to the hospital again isn't seeming to even faze me. Except when I truly think about it. When I think about why I'm going then the faze is over and the worry sinks in. Still, the grass is cut. Groceries are purchased. Tomorrow laundry will be done. Things are getting a little more back to normal (as normal as they can). I'm still so amazed by others though. Especially my husband. Right now he's looking on his iPad at different bandages that might be easier on my skin. He thinks about what I need and what he can do for me constantly. He takes care of me without complain, without annoyance but with a heart full of love. He is wonderful, and I'm not sure that I could do as great as a job as he if the tables were turned. I feel like my love and appreciation for him has grown far more than I ever thought. I'm telling you, this whole situation has me seeing life and the people in it so differently. I appreciate those who are truly along for the ride with me. It's definitely surprised me. I could go on about so many. My sister especially. Her and I have gotten so close because of all of this it's ridiculous. She's been there for every procedure before and after and every day in between. Everything is just so surreal. I can only imagine how God will continue to use me and the people around me on this roller coaster.

Unexpected call

"Do you have a living will? Do you have a caregiver for your son?" Those two questions hit me like a ton of bricks. And now I can't stop thinking of them. I can't stop thinking of how I want nothing more than the will to live and to be the only caretaker to Nicholas (you know what I mean). Now, I just want to be here. I just want to celebrate every holiday and birthday and school picture. I want to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary. It's always been precious, but now it seems so much more precious. Every moment means so much. And yes, you can tell me that everything will be fine. But when you say it, remember that you're not just saying it to say it. Say it like you believe it. Say it like that's all you pray for. Say it like you don't see it any other way. Because that's what I need to hear, not some lady asking me if I have my living will.

Beauty in a mess

There's really no other way to say it. This. Sucks. Never did I picture life this way. And by life, I mean me sitting here with two drains hanging out of my stomach. Never did I have to spend 30 minutes wrapping up my stomach before taking a shower, and never did I think that I would be going on a liver transplant list. But it's all true. In the midst of the crappiness (and it's easy to get there), I've realized that there's such beauty to be seen in this crazy mess. Unimaginable beauty. My husband has taken on the "in sickness and in health" vows to a whole other level. He rubs my feet, drives to every store possible across DFW to find the right gauze and bandages to cover my drains, plays with our son after a full day of work and spends those 30 minutes helping me get ready to take a shower then cleaning up all the mess we made. And he does it happily. Not an ounce of him reads that he's tired or irritated that we messed up another roll of medical tape. He's just wonderful. And then there's my mom who drops what she's doing to come and stay with our family. She cooks, plays with her grandson endlessly, washes clothes and dishes, irons and anything else thinkable to make our load easy. She's amazing. Just pure amazing. My son gives me kisses and tells me how much he loves me, melting my heart. My neighbors bring me dinner, flowers, mow our grass and visit. Friends check on me daily, bring more food, pray for me constantly and listen to me when I feel like sharing my emotions. People give so much of themselves and their time, and it is overwhelmingly beautiful. I am so thankful that God has shown me this beauty, regardless of my circumstances. I don't think it's something everyone can see, and for that, I am blessed. So while this sucks, it's also pretty darn nice.