What a day.

Without getting into it, I'm at a crossroads with moving forward and leaving the past behind.

Forgive and forget. Move on. It's for the best. Turn the other cheek. Be the bigger person. Take the next step. Let it go...

All phrases I've heard before that I hope I've never said out loud to someone. Although, I'm sure I have.

Ugh. Time for bed. Enough thinking.

Goodnight!

(Ps. This has nothing to do with my marriage or my wonderful husband!)

What everyone wants to know...

'When are you having another?"

It seems like I hear that question ALL the time. And every time I hear that question I cringe. I never thought I would feel like that but it's the truth. I have to politely say, "ohh, maybe someday."

But inside I just want to scream! I want to yell, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT'S BEEN TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY! You have no idea that I thought I was having another baby. Twice! Only to be let down."

And it's not their fault. I know that. They have no idea, but they also don't know how much it hurts to want that so bad. It's just a sensitive topic for me.

Yes, I know that I am fortunate to have one baby. I know couples that struggle and are not able to have any. Believe me, I am thankful for Nicholas beyond words, and if he is the only child I ever have, I will continue to thank God every day. His is a beautiful, healthy, wonderful blessing. No doubt about that.

But that's the problem. When you have one and realize how incredibly wonderful they are, you want another. Who wouldn't? And that's where I'm at. Stuck between 'absolutely grateful' and 'hoping for another blessing'.

Just hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' and wishin'...

11 months left

Seriously, where has the time gone? Nicholas will be 2 in about 2 weeks, and I'm in shock. My precious baby is now a 33 lb. kiddo running all over the place, destructing anything that gets in his path. He is a beautiful, sweet, sensitive, laughing, smiling, curious boy who I thank God for every single day. When I look at him, I wonder how people could ever doubt that there's a God.

He loves trucks and airplanes and trains (or as he calls them "choo-choos") and his absolute favorite word to say right now is "momma". Even cuter when he says "tank you, momma." Oh, I could just eat him up.

I'm bragging and bragging about my kiddo because I'm realizing just how fortunate this time with him is. I always knew how precious he was, but now I really feel it. I told you earlier in a post about Baby T who is dying, and I still cannot get him off my mind. His mother writes a blog and I have been following it since January 1, the day she found out her son has a rare degenerative disease, and EVERY time I read it, I cry. So much in fact that I only read it when I'm alone. If you don't believe me, I've included a few excerpts from her latest posts:

"I can literally feel my heart breaking and it is unbearable. I saw a mom and dad at lunch yesterday with their teenage son and it made me so sad.

I want to take Trek out to lunch and see how handsome he would be as a teenager. I want to talk to him about his girlfriend and I want him to break his curfew and listen to loud music and have big feet and hands. I want him to grow taller than me.

--

He is so beautiful and perfect, I want so bad to keep him. I whisper to him all the time to please don’t leave me, I want to die thinking about it.

--

Oh my sweet Trek, I wish you a life full of peace and love, free of pain and suffering, I wish every good thing in the world for you, you deserve that and so much more."

It breaks my heart every time.

So as you can see, I am truly feeling how precious Nicholas is. I am constantly reminded, and I feel the need to pass it on. I don't mean to leave this on a sad note, but as of tomorrow January will have come and gone. Did you make it count? There's only 11 months left in this year. 11 months that Trek may not have...

Two years later

2011 has come and gone and not a single post by me. Instead I've been soaking up all my time with this precious little boy, and after what I heard today, it's exactly what I should be doing.

How do you cope knowing that your child is dying? With only 9 months to live? I realized today that they will never get to plan their child's 2nd birthday party, as I'm doing. Instead they will be planning a funeral. How do you deal with that? No parent should have to.

I don't even know this couple personally, but after hearing what they're going through, I can't get them of my mind. I can't get their son off my mind. I want to hug him and her and just pray for them. I don't know why these types of things happen, but dammit it's just not fair.

Knowing this now, I hope you'll hug your child, niece, nephew, grandson, husband, wife, mother or friend a little tighter tonight. I know I will. And I vow to make 2012 a little bit more carefree and fun in light of "T".

Actually as I type, Nicholas has pulled all the straws out of the drawer and they are scattered all over the kitchen floor. Normally I'd twitch a little at the sight of this mess but today I'm going to let him empty the whole box. I can get more. They're just straws. The fact that I'm laughing at him and letting him play carelessly on the floor in a pile of straws has made his day.

Here's to a new year, making the most of our time and making as many piles of straws as possible. xoxo

He's almost here!

I haven't written in awhile, but I realized that I better do it now before the little man gets here. Most of you know that at our last doctor's appointment, the doctor said she'll give my OB orders to induce if Nicholas isn't here by Feb. 10. I know that February is a completely different month, but when she said she'll see me back in 4 weeks, I just looked at her dumb-founded.

Until then I'll see my regular OB who will be delivering Nicholas. I have an appointment with her on Monday and I'm wondering if she's going to give me an exam to see if I'm dilated any! I honestly don't think I am, but who knows.

I still have quite a bit to do in his room. Well, mainly decorating. I'm hoping to have everything complete and ready to go by next weekend. This weekend I have my last baby shower in Comanche. I'll feel better once that's complete so then Andrew and I can buy the remaining items on our list. Once that is done and his room is decorated, I think I'll be able to breathe.

I also plan on getting my hospital bag together this weekend, at least the essential items.

I can't believe this pregnancy is coming to an end and he'll be here. I'm going to be a mom soon. Wow...it amazes me every time I think about it. Andrew and I are going to be parents...no way to describe it.

Well, it's getting late and I need to sleep. This 6 lb., 11 oz. baby makes me tired! But oh so worth it :)

7 weeks?!?!?

I hit 31 weeks tomorrow. The countdown has officially begun! At my doctor's appointment this past week, she told me I should probably forget about Feb. 19, and I should look more at the weekend of Feb. 5.

Feb. 5??? That's 7 weeks away! Oh my!

She also said that Nicholas' head is down which really makes things real. I thought he was still left to right, but the doctor told me different and so did the sonogram. He's weighing about 4 lbs according to the sonogram....yikes!

Luckily, things are falling into place and I'm distracted with Christmas. My friend Amy, who is 2 weeks behind me in her pregnancy, is very calm about the whole process, which is a little surprising. Although, I think her nonchalant attitude is rubbing off on me. Today I started looking at my registry and noticed all the things we didn't have yet, but instead of freaking out, I just shrugged. Whatever we need, we can buy. I don't really care to freak out anymore. I know it will be ok. My mom did without half that stuff, and I'm sure I can make it too!

On another note, our Christmas luncheon is tomorrow. We have a half day and we're also exchanging our Secret Santa gifts for our GMI team. Hope my person likes his/her gift :)

BRAXTON HICKS contraction....phew....ok, better now.

Going to iron my jeans and pick up a little, then it's time for bed. Early night tonight! I'm sleepy. Andrew is off tomorrow until Dec. 29! I'm so excited...I hope his days off go by slow. Can't wait to see my husband! Haven't seen him since Sunday, other than seeing him sleep.

SA Baby Shower

I had such a wonderful time visiting with my family and friends! Here are a few pictures...

Cake my Aunt Lisa made

Diaper cake my Godmother made

It's a BUMBO!

Mandy & I

My Yaya, me and Tia Rachel