"Chalk-o-lit cake"

Is pretty sure I've gone to the 'potty' about 20 times today, and only a few of those times were for me. Yep, it's potty training time in this house. And I have to say, the boy is getting it. I've even ventured out to stores, a train ride, the mall and a restaurant. Through all of that, only 1 accident in public and it was outside as we got off the train. All in all, it's going well, and I couldn't be prouder of my BIG little boy! He's so good.

So good that I opted for shakes tonight instead of going running. Bad move, I know, but hearing him say, "chalk-o-lit cake, momma" made it all worth it. Instead I'm going to suck it up and get up early in the morning and run before church. Just two weeks until my 5K!

I got my Trek shirt in the mail a few days ago, and I can't wait to wear it for Trek as I run my 5K. I'm running the race for my baby but am wearing that shirt proudly for Trek. Also, tonight I found out that I got an email from the Ingram family thanking me and asking me to take a picture of myself in Trek's shirt as I run my 5K. You can bet you I will! I actually think it would be neat to wear his shirt for all of my races. Losing babies you've never met is one thing. And believe me, it's hard, but losing a baby that you held in your arms for 14 months has to be devestating.

My babies will never run a 5K and neither will Trek, but I feel like through others, they can do anything and their memory will live on.

Rest in peace angel babies, and rest in peace Trek.

At least they get it.

Recieved some not so great news today regarding the baby. Something was wrong. It wasn't just something that naturally happened. Yes, I'm glad there's an answer but it's not something that I can fix and that's what scares me. I told several people who are close to me in one way or another, but the only ones who truly got the severity of my news (besides my husband) were my 2 best friends. They not only got it, but they got it immediately.

So thankful for them. On to more tests now and with support like theirs, I know I'm going to get through all of this in one piece.

"Worry about nothing, pray about everything." - Craig Groschel

I'm working on it...

STRIKE IS OVER!

YESSSSS! The Lockheed strike is over & I couldn't be more excited! Andrew will finally be able to enjoy dinner with us and have a weekend off. More importantly, we'll get to go see family. Especially my mom who is sick and needs support right now. So so excited!

Great motivation for my run tonight. But right now I have a very unhappy 2 year-old who just woke up from his nap. Hoping I'll be able to coax him into going to the grocery store with me. Yeah, wish me luck.

Lots of luck...

New perspectives

So no more babies. Not for awhile at least. My last pregnancy nearly ripped my heart out. Getting so excited about a baby only to have them taken away is one of the hardest things I've experienced. The only thing that could make that worse is having to do it 3 times. So yeah, I'm done for awhile.

Since April so much has happened. Brother graduated from college and I'm so proud of him. Relay for Life came and went. The strike is still going on but hopefully it's coming to an end. Mom is sick and while it's scary, I know God will take care of it. Baby Trek said goodbye just a few days ago. And as I type this, I realize it's been 5 years since I've said goodbye to my grandma.

Goodness, 2012 feels so full of gloom and doom. And as hard as it is, I'm trying to bag up all these emotions and make the next 6 months of the year better ones. Instead of dwelling about my angel babies, I plan to honor them as I embark on a new journey of running.Yep, running. I want to run a race for each of them this year. And not just any race. A 5K, 10K, 15K and in November, a half-marathon for all of them & Nicholas. I think it's a great way to honor them while also helping me cope and move forward in a healthy way. Plus, running helps me to clear my mind and just talk to God. I know I'll be doing a lot of it, which I need.

My first 5K is next month, July 15 and I'm nervous yet excited. Goodness, July 15 is just a few weeks away. Ahhhh! This should be interesting...

April showers

The crazy tornado weather has begun. Yesterday was a day I spent glued to the TV listening for the latest weather updates. Are we under tornado warning? Is there one on the ground? Yep, how far? Ugh. Hate it. Sadly, many homes in the Arlington, Lancaster area were damaged including Dallas.

I was worried, but not Nicholas. He took a nap through all of the nail biting suspense. Woke up right at the end of the storm and couldn't understand why Momma had moved his bed to the bathroom.

I feel like April is bringing more than just bad weather though. I know I sound like a crazy baby lady right now, but I can't help it. It's what my world consists of at the moment. Not only that but April 12 would have been my due date. I know what you're thinking, "You can't think like that, Angela.' 'Let it go.' 'It will happen when it's supposed to happen." Yadayadaya. Shut it.

When a nurse gets you all excited and tells you that your baby is due April 12, 2012, you can't help but to get excited much less forget the date. And what's worse is the other women who became pregnant around the same time who will be giving birth to their babies next week. Or the new women in your life who just found out that they are pregnant. Or the dinner event you have to go to on that date which causes you to circle it on the calendar. They are all reminders of how much it sucks.

Yes, I will be fine. I have a God who knew that my April baby would not make it in this world. A God who spared me from a ridiculous amount of pain I would have felt if I had to carry that baby any further only to let him/her go later. I have a God who is merciful and loving. A God that loves me so much yet still accepts me for being a crazy baby lady. A God that will bless me someday again.

Only way I can put it for the people who have yet to go through this is that it's like a break-up. You'll never forget the date or the person. You'll always have a heart for them and something as simple as a song playing on the radio will remind you of them. And just like when someone announces that they're getting engaged, you're happy for them but deep down you wish it was you making that announcement. It's a process. A slow one and only time and God can heal it.

And that's what I'm doing. I'm healing still. So just bare with me and let me be a crazy baby lady. At least through April 12.

What a day.

Without getting into it, I'm at a crossroads with moving forward and leaving the past behind.

Forgive and forget. Move on. It's for the best. Turn the other cheek. Be the bigger person. Take the next step. Let it go...

All phrases I've heard before that I hope I've never said out loud to someone. Although, I'm sure I have.

Ugh. Time for bed. Enough thinking.

Goodnight!

(Ps. This has nothing to do with my marriage or my wonderful husband!)

What everyone wants to know...

'When are you having another?"

It seems like I hear that question ALL the time. And every time I hear that question I cringe. I never thought I would feel like that but it's the truth. I have to politely say, "ohh, maybe someday."

But inside I just want to scream! I want to yell, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT'S BEEN TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY! You have no idea that I thought I was having another baby. Twice! Only to be let down."

And it's not their fault. I know that. They have no idea, but they also don't know how much it hurts to want that so bad. It's just a sensitive topic for me.

Yes, I know that I am fortunate to have one baby. I know couples that struggle and are not able to have any. Believe me, I am thankful for Nicholas beyond words, and if he is the only child I ever have, I will continue to thank God every day. His is a beautiful, healthy, wonderful blessing. No doubt about that.

But that's the problem. When you have one and realize how incredibly wonderful they are, you want another. Who wouldn't? And that's where I'm at. Stuck between 'absolutely grateful' and 'hoping for another blessing'.

Just hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' and wishin'...