My secret

I didn't tell anyone that I thought of you. I thought of you when I looked at the Christmas tree. I wished that I had an "E" ornament to hang right next to Nicholas' "N". I thought of you as we celebrated birthdays and wished we could have been celebrating yours. It would have been your first. I hope you celebrated in heaven. I miss you sweet girl. I look forward to meeting you someday. You're never forgotten...it's just not possible for me.

Gearing up again

Another procedure ahead this week. Crazy thing is that it's starting to feel normal. I have gotten so used to things over the past few weeks that saying that I have to go to the hospital again isn't seeming to even faze me. Except when I truly think about it. When I think about why I'm going then the faze is over and the worry sinks in. Still, the grass is cut. Groceries are purchased. Tomorrow laundry will be done. Things are getting a little more back to normal (as normal as they can). I'm still so amazed by others though. Especially my husband. Right now he's looking on his iPad at different bandages that might be easier on my skin. He thinks about what I need and what he can do for me constantly. He takes care of me without complain, without annoyance but with a heart full of love. He is wonderful, and I'm not sure that I could do as great as a job as he if the tables were turned. I feel like my love and appreciation for him has grown far more than I ever thought. I'm telling you, this whole situation has me seeing life and the people in it so differently. I appreciate those who are truly along for the ride with me. It's definitely surprised me. I could go on about so many. My sister especially. Her and I have gotten so close because of all of this it's ridiculous. She's been there for every procedure before and after and every day in between. Everything is just so surreal. I can only imagine how God will continue to use me and the people around me on this roller coaster.

Unexpected call

"Do you have a living will? Do you have a caregiver for your son?" Those two questions hit me like a ton of bricks. And now I can't stop thinking of them. I can't stop thinking of how I want nothing more than the will to live and to be the only caretaker to Nicholas (you know what I mean). Now, I just want to be here. I just want to celebrate every holiday and birthday and school picture. I want to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary. It's always been precious, but now it seems so much more precious. Every moment means so much. And yes, you can tell me that everything will be fine. But when you say it, remember that you're not just saying it to say it. Say it like you believe it. Say it like that's all you pray for. Say it like you don't see it any other way. Because that's what I need to hear, not some lady asking me if I have my living will.

Beauty in a mess

There's really no other way to say it. This. Sucks. Never did I picture life this way. And by life, I mean me sitting here with two drains hanging out of my stomach. Never did I have to spend 30 minutes wrapping up my stomach before taking a shower, and never did I think that I would be going on a liver transplant list. But it's all true. In the midst of the crappiness (and it's easy to get there), I've realized that there's such beauty to be seen in this crazy mess. Unimaginable beauty. My husband has taken on the "in sickness and in health" vows to a whole other level. He rubs my feet, drives to every store possible across DFW to find the right gauze and bandages to cover my drains, plays with our son after a full day of work and spends those 30 minutes helping me get ready to take a shower then cleaning up all the mess we made. And he does it happily. Not an ounce of him reads that he's tired or irritated that we messed up another roll of medical tape. He's just wonderful. And then there's my mom who drops what she's doing to come and stay with our family. She cooks, plays with her grandson endlessly, washes clothes and dishes, irons and anything else thinkable to make our load easy. She's amazing. Just pure amazing. My son gives me kisses and tells me how much he loves me, melting my heart. My neighbors bring me dinner, flowers, mow our grass and visit. Friends check on me daily, bring more food, pray for me constantly and listen to me when I feel like sharing my emotions. People give so much of themselves and their time, and it is overwhelmingly beautiful. I am so thankful that God has shown me this beauty, regardless of my circumstances. I don't think it's something everyone can see, and for that, I am blessed. So while this sucks, it's also pretty darn nice.

Christmas is in full effect!

So after coming to peace with many things, I have been completely enjoying the holidays. They truly are my favorite time of the year!

Tree is up, outside lights are hung, presents are bought (not all but most), I've seen Charlie Brown's Christmas and operation stuff your face has commenced. Yep, it's Christmas time!

With all of the fun stuff though comes the yuck...cold season. Poor little guy woke up with a cold on Sunday, and it's still lingering around. Hoping that he's doing better though and will knock this thing out in the next day or two.

In the meantime we've been singing Christmas songs, making snowmen and Santas and snuggling on the couch with cozy blankets. I know this sounds just like the movie Elf, but believe me, it's true.

On top of all that though, my brother is coming home for Christmas! And for good! I cannot wait to see him! And I cannot wait to see Christmas lights with him and Mandy. (She doesn't know it yet, but who are we kidding? Lights, fun people, hot chocolate - who can say no to that?)

Well while the little man is a sleep, I'm going to partake in some online Christmas shopping. 30% off at Gap, Old Navy and Banana Republic...you can thank me later.

'Oh by golly, it's a holly jolly Christmas indeed!'

Fall decorations

Who knew that putting out my fall decorations would have made me sad? I am such a HUGE holiday person, and I love decorating for the major holidays, but yesterday it reminded me that fall is here and my baby is not. 

I hate when I have days like that because I try to count my blessings and focus on what I have rather than what I don't, but I just couldn't help it yesterday.

I miss my baby. I miss all of them.

Some days are harder than others

Today is a rough day. I feel sad, lonely and also upset with myself for feeling this way. I'm even mad at myself for wanting to take down Nicholas' baby pictures. Even the Willow Tree angels I once adorned annoy me. That's the kind of weird mood I'm in.

It's a bit frustrating. I want to change things and move forward while the other part of me just wants to slip back into the past and pick out girl names. I am stuck.

I deleted my Facebook account yesterday because I'm sick of it. I'm tired of not being able to post my true thoughts and feelings. Tired of hiding behind that picture where people think everything is hunky-doory.

Don't get me wrong, my marriage is better than ever. I have a beautiful baby, amazing family and wonderful friends. I know that...it's just this thing that my heart still cannot fathom. I am happy every single day, yet I am sad every single day. Does that even make sense? Still doesn't to me, but when I say I'm stuck, that's exactly what I mean. Stuck between happy and sad. The past and the future all while trying to "enjoy" the present.

Maybe these quotes can explain better than I can...