Christmas is in full effect!

So after coming to peace with many things, I have been completely enjoying the holidays. They truly are my favorite time of the year!

Tree is up, outside lights are hung, presents are bought (not all but most), I've seen Charlie Brown's Christmas and operation stuff your face has commenced. Yep, it's Christmas time!

With all of the fun stuff though comes the yuck...cold season. Poor little guy woke up with a cold on Sunday, and it's still lingering around. Hoping that he's doing better though and will knock this thing out in the next day or two.

In the meantime we've been singing Christmas songs, making snowmen and Santas and snuggling on the couch with cozy blankets. I know this sounds just like the movie Elf, but believe me, it's true.

On top of all that though, my brother is coming home for Christmas! And for good! I cannot wait to see him! And I cannot wait to see Christmas lights with him and Mandy. (She doesn't know it yet, but who are we kidding? Lights, fun people, hot chocolate - who can say no to that?)

Well while the little man is a sleep, I'm going to partake in some online Christmas shopping. 30% off at Gap, Old Navy and Banana Republic...you can thank me later.

'Oh by golly, it's a holly jolly Christmas indeed!'

Fall decorations

Who knew that putting out my fall decorations would have made me sad? I am such a HUGE holiday person, and I love decorating for the major holidays, but yesterday it reminded me that fall is here and my baby is not. 

I hate when I have days like that because I try to count my blessings and focus on what I have rather than what I don't, but I just couldn't help it yesterday.

I miss my baby. I miss all of them.

Some days are harder than others

Today is a rough day. I feel sad, lonely and also upset with myself for feeling this way. I'm even mad at myself for wanting to take down Nicholas' baby pictures. Even the Willow Tree angels I once adorned annoy me. That's the kind of weird mood I'm in.

It's a bit frustrating. I want to change things and move forward while the other part of me just wants to slip back into the past and pick out girl names. I am stuck.

I deleted my Facebook account yesterday because I'm sick of it. I'm tired of not being able to post my true thoughts and feelings. Tired of hiding behind that picture where people think everything is hunky-doory.

Don't get me wrong, my marriage is better than ever. I have a beautiful baby, amazing family and wonderful friends. I know that...it's just this thing that my heart still cannot fathom. I am happy every single day, yet I am sad every single day. Does that even make sense? Still doesn't to me, but when I say I'm stuck, that's exactly what I mean. Stuck between happy and sad. The past and the future all while trying to "enjoy" the present.

Maybe these quotes can explain better than I can...

Closure is just around the corner

I found out that my husband is just not ready to share with the world everything we're dealing with. And when I say world, I mean no one so out of respect to him, I deleted my last post. We're not sure what's in store for our future, but I do know what we have now is great so I plan on focusing on that.

I will say that I found out we lost a girl. That was heartbreaking, but also a sense of relief to validate my crazy thoughts. I KNEW it was a girl. I wrote her a letter the day we found out that we lost the baby. I finally showed it to Andrew last week. It's sad, but it's what I was feeling and I meant every word of it. Still do.

I always want to remember her and how precious she was to me...so here it is.

Dear Eliana,

I thought I would hold you in my arms this year. I thought you would be my Christmas joy, and while you were for awhile, I am sad that I'll never get to hold you. I know you're in good hands, the best in fact, and you have many loving arms waiting for you in Heaven as I'm sure you already know.

I love you so much and await the day when I can hold you myself. You mean so much to me. Thank you for choosing me as your mommy.

Beautiful, sweet baby, I'll never forget you. I love you always.

Love, Momma

Babies are a beautiful thing, and they change you forever. Even the ones you don't meet. Well, maybe not in this world. The thought of meeting her someday along with the other two babies I've lost gives me hope.

Healing is a process, a long one in fact, but it's healing. I'm healing, and I thank God for that.

Rest in peace, Jerry

I found out yesterday that one of my high school classmate's passed away on Saturday. Not sure of the details, but I couldn't help but to become sad. He's only 27. He was 27. My age.

We're not supposed to go at this age. We have much to see and live out.

This is the second person from my high school class that just makes my heart sad. First, Amy Gutierrez "Little Amy" and now Jerry. I will always remember that Amy's birthday was on my anniversary, June 2. And sadly, I will always remember Jerry on my best friend's birthday, July 21.

I was especially close to Amy growing up. We had sleep-overs starting in the second grade and kept in contact with each other until the day we graduated. Actually, even after that thanks to Myspace and her brother who I always saw at HEB every time I went home. Still do. And every time I see him, I hug him and even though we never say it, we're reminded of Amy each time we do.

Jerry was a friend from high school who sang and laughed and always carried around his guitar. He made me and the rest of our school smile. He always had a smile on his face and could care less what people thought about him. In being so carefree and loving, we thought nothing but great things about him.

I remember talking on the phone and him singing me songs, chatting on AOL (yep, makes me laugh now) and giving him rides home. Well him and his guitar.

Sweet, kind Jerry, you will be missed.

Rest in peace.

What a week!

Well the kids came and went. We went to the library, Main Event, Putt-Putt Golf & Games, swimming, to church, a splash pad, a park, a bridal shower and to eat. And eat and eat and eat. It was a great week & they played with Nicholas until he was ready to crash out each night. My niece and nephew are absolutely wonderful with their little cousin and because of that I adore them so much more than they know.

Here's a few pictures from the past week -

Haircut time! Can you tell he's a fan?

Bowling at Main Event

Legos with cousin

Awesome chicken shredded nachos that I made.

Makes me hungry just looking at those delicious things!

Fun times at Putt-Putt

Go-Kart ride afterwards! We had a blast & I kept it under a 100 mph.

Gotta put on sunscreen before you go swimming!

Apparently you need to get your eyebrows as well.

Such a fun week! Loved it.

A few quotes that I enjoy...