Some days are harder than others

Today is a rough day. I feel sad, lonely and also upset with myself for feeling this way. I'm even mad at myself for wanting to take down Nicholas' baby pictures. Even the Willow Tree angels I once adorned annoy me. That's the kind of weird mood I'm in.

It's a bit frustrating. I want to change things and move forward while the other part of me just wants to slip back into the past and pick out girl names. I am stuck.

I deleted my Facebook account yesterday because I'm sick of it. I'm tired of not being able to post my true thoughts and feelings. Tired of hiding behind that picture where people think everything is hunky-doory.

Don't get me wrong, my marriage is better than ever. I have a beautiful baby, amazing family and wonderful friends. I know that...it's just this thing that my heart still cannot fathom. I am happy every single day, yet I am sad every single day. Does that even make sense? Still doesn't to me, but when I say I'm stuck, that's exactly what I mean. Stuck between happy and sad. The past and the future all while trying to "enjoy" the present.

Maybe these quotes can explain better than I can...

Closure is just around the corner

I found out that my husband is just not ready to share with the world everything we're dealing with. And when I say world, I mean no one so out of respect to him, I deleted my last post. We're not sure what's in store for our future, but I do know what we have now is great so I plan on focusing on that.

I will say that I found out we lost a girl. That was heartbreaking, but also a sense of relief to validate my crazy thoughts. I KNEW it was a girl. I wrote her a letter the day we found out that we lost the baby. I finally showed it to Andrew last week. It's sad, but it's what I was feeling and I meant every word of it. Still do.

I always want to remember her and how precious she was to me...so here it is.

Dear Eliana,

I thought I would hold you in my arms this year. I thought you would be my Christmas joy, and while you were for awhile, I am sad that I'll never get to hold you. I know you're in good hands, the best in fact, and you have many loving arms waiting for you in Heaven as I'm sure you already know.

I love you so much and await the day when I can hold you myself. You mean so much to me. Thank you for choosing me as your mommy.

Beautiful, sweet baby, I'll never forget you. I love you always.

Love, Momma

Babies are a beautiful thing, and they change you forever. Even the ones you don't meet. Well, maybe not in this world. The thought of meeting her someday along with the other two babies I've lost gives me hope.

Healing is a process, a long one in fact, but it's healing. I'm healing, and I thank God for that.

Rest in peace, Jerry

I found out yesterday that one of my high school classmate's passed away on Saturday. Not sure of the details, but I couldn't help but to become sad. He's only 27. He was 27. My age.

We're not supposed to go at this age. We have much to see and live out.

This is the second person from my high school class that just makes my heart sad. First, Amy Gutierrez "Little Amy" and now Jerry. I will always remember that Amy's birthday was on my anniversary, June 2. And sadly, I will always remember Jerry on my best friend's birthday, July 21.

I was especially close to Amy growing up. We had sleep-overs starting in the second grade and kept in contact with each other until the day we graduated. Actually, even after that thanks to Myspace and her brother who I always saw at HEB every time I went home. Still do. And every time I see him, I hug him and even though we never say it, we're reminded of Amy each time we do.

Jerry was a friend from high school who sang and laughed and always carried around his guitar. He made me and the rest of our school smile. He always had a smile on his face and could care less what people thought about him. In being so carefree and loving, we thought nothing but great things about him.

I remember talking on the phone and him singing me songs, chatting on AOL (yep, makes me laugh now) and giving him rides home. Well him and his guitar.

Sweet, kind Jerry, you will be missed.

Rest in peace.

What a week!

Well the kids came and went. We went to the library, Main Event, Putt-Putt Golf & Games, swimming, to church, a splash pad, a park, a bridal shower and to eat. And eat and eat and eat. It was a great week & they played with Nicholas until he was ready to crash out each night. My niece and nephew are absolutely wonderful with their little cousin and because of that I adore them so much more than they know.

Here's a few pictures from the past week -

Haircut time! Can you tell he's a fan?

Bowling at Main Event

Legos with cousin

Awesome chicken shredded nachos that I made.

Makes me hungry just looking at those delicious things!

Fun times at Putt-Putt

Go-Kart ride afterwards! We had a blast & I kept it under a 100 mph.

Gotta put on sunscreen before you go swimming!

Apparently you need to get your eyebrows as well.

Such a fun week! Loved it.

A few quotes that I enjoy...

Definitely an addict now

Yesterday I ran my first 5K (3.1 m) since high school and while my time wasn't the best, I absolutely loved it. I cannot wait to run another race! Who would have thought I, of all people, would be saying that? Not me.

To get myself in shape for the half-marathon in November (which I already registered for so I have to do it), I would like to run a 10K (6.2 m) next month. Hoping someone will do it with me. More fun with others.

It was also great to wear my Trek t-shirt and have people notice it. I hope that by wearing it, someone will learn how awesome of a little boy he was and feel touched to know his story. Here are a couple of pics from the race.

Side note: I have 3 kiddos this week (my niece & nephew are visiting) so I may not be writing as much. Hoping to get out and plan a fun week for them!

The sacred title

I had a conversation last week about the sacred title known as "best friend" aka "bestie" aka "mejor amiga". The conversation went a little like this...

Her: She called me her best friend! I don't know what to do. "J" is my best friend. I feel like that title is special.

Me: I agree.

Her: Do you have more than one best friend?

Me: No, just Mandy...well...

And from there my mind began to think. Mandy is my numero uno, the bacon to my bacon & egg taco (yes, I just said that - I'm hungry), the one who my Dad refers to as my twin or comadre. She's it. She's my best friend. She's always held that title.

And then I started to think about El Stacie. (Yep, that's her real name) Her and I have gotten really close in the last 4 years. She's the one who brought me to the church I love, we knew each other before we entered motherhood and also kept each other sane through all of it. If I am sick, she brings me soup and Gatorade. She really does.

I can depend on her, share my secrets with her and laugh with her like a best friend would.

So I guess it is possible to have more than one best friend. No one will ever replace Mandy. We've been through too dang much. Things no one will ever understand or ever learn about. (Well, maybe if I piss her off.) Bottom line though, she's always going to be my best friend. And so will Stacie.

Guess there's just more bacon for me...and that's never a bad thing.